As many of you heard, there are new restrictions that have been placed on people traveling by air. Initially, the requirement was that passengers were required to sit in their seats without touching anything for the last hour.

Fortunately, the insanity of making millions of airline passengers sit on their hands for an hour overwhelmed the air travel industry and the TSA has now decided that these restrictions will be applied on a case-by-case basis at the discretion of the flight crew. Presumably, this means that any time you are on a flight that has at least one non-white person, the flight crew will invoke their right to make your trip miserable.

As Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid announces the US health care bill, we here at snewzbutton offer our solution for a filibuster-proof manner to get the public option into the US health system. This is an easily understandable fear, as there are undoubtedly a number of Republican Senators chomping at the bit to remake Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.

Realistically, any filibuster is not likely to last forever, and even if the Republicans filibuster for a month, at the end the Democrats have the votes to pass the bill and that means that by Christmas, thousands of little boys and girls will get their chemo treatments that their little lives depend upon.

Though we’ll never know for certain why the pilots missed their destination, through the power of conjection, we can come up with some real, scientifically sound theories as to why Northwest Flight 188 passed Minneapolis and kept going for 150 miles.

People no longer need to be subject to the constant con-artistry that lives in their spam folders, but it is sometimes required to delve into the pile in order to retrieve a prized e-mail that may have been misdirected. Whether looking for a response from a beautiful girl, waiting for a message on an important banking matter, or any other occasion in which life itself may hinge upon a single e-mail, sometimes it just doesn’t come. Or it doesn’t seem to come.

She really liked me, though. I’m sure of it… maybe it went to my spam folder. It does happen. But what else is going on in there?

On October 9, 2009 at 5:30 AM EST, US President Barack Obama was announced as the 2009 winner of the Nobel Peace Prize “for his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples.”

Two hours later, the United States began an unprovoked attack on the Moon.

The President was awakened by a knock on his door, where he was greeted by the Nobel Prize Patrol, balloons, and a big check for his US $1.4 Million prize.

On October 1, 2009, The Late Show with David Letterman opened up with Letterman’s monologue explaining a scandal that was breaking about his life. Allegedly, Robert J. “Joe” Halderman, an Emmy Award nominated writer, director, and producer, had attempted to extort Mr. Letterman for $2 million with the threat that Mr. Halderman would write a screenplay and a book regarding affairs that Letterman had had over the course of his life.

In case you hadn’t heard, Jacques Chirac sent Sumo, his Maltese terrier, to the ‘the farm’ today after a line of domestic disturbances, drug abuse, and other signs pointing to Sumo’s life spiraling out of control.

It wasn’t always as bad as this. Back when Sumo joined the Chirac family, he lived the high life at the Élysée Palace, running free on the grounds, having an entourage of security, and his choice of any piece of tail Paris had to offer. That all ended one fateful day in May of 2007, when President Jacques Chirac became former President Jacques Chirac.

It seems as though there has been a lot of courting going on in Los Angeles this week, as Los Angeles Lakers publicist, John Black, announces that Khloe Kardashian, a celebrity most well known for being famous, will not only be marrying Lamar Odom on Sunday, September 27, but will in fact be marrying the entire LA Lakers team.

Kardashian twittered, “Surpriiiise! I guess the news is out. I’m a pioneer for all you dolls out there.”

My father called me last week because he had heard about the season premier of House that came out last night. He was pretty excited about it, because it takes place in a mental hospital. My parents met at a mental hospital back in the early 70’s, which is why this theme is exciting for my family.

Sadly, my parents aren’t some super cool deranged lunatics (I suppose there is a redundancy there), but instead my mother was a psych nurse for about 30 years and my father… well, he had a long career in the field. He started working in a kitchen and got his Master’s in psychology in the early 80’s. The work just sort of fit his personality, part prison guard, part self-righteous prick with a false sense of superiority. No, I’m just kidding, my dad is pretty awesome.

An unexpected side effect of Jay Leno’s new show, The Jay Leno Show, has hit the American people. All across the United States, the American elderly have changed their clocks to keep Jay Leno’s television show on at 11:30. Now they demand that the rest of the country follow suit and alter the system of time-keeping by moving the clocks ahead an hour and a half.

A grassroots campaign began this morning at 4:00 AM EST (5:30 AM JEST) at nursing homes and senior communities across the eastern United States as senior citizens awoke en masse, 90 minutes earlier than their usual.