As many of you heard, there are new restrictions that have been placed on people traveling by air. Initially, the requirement was that passengers were required to sit in their seats without touching anything for the last hour.

Fortunately, the insanity of making millions of airline passengers sit on their hands for an hour overwhelmed the air travel industry and the TSA has now decided that these restrictions will be applied on a case-by-case basis at the discretion of the flight crew. Presumably, this means that any time you are on a flight that has at least one non-white person, the flight crew will invoke their right to make your trip miserable.

As Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid announces the US health care bill, we here at snewzbutton offer our solution for a filibuster-proof manner to get the public option into the US health system. This is an easily understandable fear, as there are undoubtedly a number of Republican Senators chomping at the bit to remake Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.

Realistically, any filibuster is not likely to last forever, and even if the Republicans filibuster for a month, at the end the Democrats have the votes to pass the bill and that means that by Christmas, thousands of little boys and girls will get their chemo treatments that their little lives depend upon.

On October 9, 2009 at 5:30 AM EST, US President Barack Obama was announced as the 2009 winner of the Nobel Peace Prize “for his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples.”

Two hours later, the United States began an unprovoked attack on the Moon.

The President was awakened by a knock on his door, where he was greeted by the Nobel Prize Patrol, balloons, and a big check for his US $1.4 Million prize.

In case you hadn’t heard, Jacques Chirac sent Sumo, his Maltese terrier, to the ‘the farm’ today after a line of domestic disturbances, drug abuse, and other signs pointing to Sumo’s life spiraling out of control.

It wasn’t always as bad as this. Back when Sumo joined the Chirac family, he lived the high life at the Élysée Palace, running free on the grounds, having an entourage of security, and his choice of any piece of tail Paris had to offer. That all ended one fateful day in May of 2007, when President Jacques Chirac became former President Jacques Chirac.

An unexpected side effect of Jay Leno’s new show, The Jay Leno Show, has hit the American people. All across the United States, the American elderly have changed their clocks to keep Jay Leno’s television show on at 11:30. Now they demand that the rest of the country follow suit and alter the system of time-keeping by moving the clocks ahead an hour and a half.

A grassroots campaign began this morning at 4:00 AM EST (5:30 AM JEST) at nursing homes and senior communities across the eastern United States as senior citizens awoke en masse, 90 minutes earlier than their usual.

I’m going to test my understanding of what American conservatism has turned into by responding to Barack Obama’s speech in the method that seems most contrarian. I hope that my new approach to American right-wingery begins a new phase for the glorious GOP.

I spent an hour with my delete key cutting the fat from Barack Obama’s health care transcript, as found on whitehouse.gov.

I did my best to remove the rhetoric and keep only his tangible ideas on health care reform. I apologize if anyone’s favorite sections are missing, but for a clear summary of the content of his speech, I feel this is a pretty good 3-page version of his 9-page speech.

Tragedy struck today across the United States as millions of Americans died from suffocation as a result of Barack Obama’s speech last night about the importance of breathing.

The trouble began weeks ago as conservative journalists and bloggers began to notice President Obama’s frequent inhalations and exhalations. Their online and television reporting led to a grassroots movement across the nation, in which self-proclaimed American patriots began holding what they termed vacuum parties.

I was recently reading in a forum about the Obama stimulus package, and saw someone’s argument against the bill. The comment was simply “wow this is pure pork read the bill folks” followed by a list of dollar amounts and what they’re being spent on. I felt it was appropriate to improve the comment by [...]