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Things to do in your last hour of flight

Dec 28th, 2009 | By | Category: Featured Article, Real News, snewz
I cant believe they cut me off from the drinks cart.

I can't believe they cut me off from the drinks cart.

As many of you heard, there are new restrictions that have been placed on people traveling by air. Initially, the requirement was that passengers were required to sit in their seats without touching anything for the last hour.

Fortunately, the insanity of making millions of airline passengers sit on their hands for an hour overwhelmed the air travel industry and the TSA has now decided that these restrictions will be applied on a case-by-case basis at the discretion of the flight crew. Presumably, this means that any time you are on a flight that has at least one non-white person, the flight crew will invoke their right to make your trip miserable.

In the event that you are so unfortunate as to have been placed on a flight where the crew decides to punish its passengers, we have compiled this list of ways to pass that dreadful last hour. Remember to devote it to memory, as you will not have the benefit of recall using a mobile device when the time comes.

1 – Sleep

Perhaps the greatest option for passing time, as it requires very little effort and you don’t even notice the time going by. Unfortunately, not everyone has the ability to sleep without the comfort of their Sealy Posturepedic Ultra Premium Ultra Plush Euro Pillow Top Mattress Set, but for those of us who can sleep through a train wreck, this is the premier solution to handling these new requirements.

2 – Imagine the life story of the strangest-looking person in your field of vision

Oh, sure. You could spend the hour trying to look at the hottest woman around, but you’re probably more than likely going to annoy the crap out of her. Normally, this isn’t a problem, but nowadays, she can call the stewardess over and report that you’re acting suspiciously. That’s the modern day equivalent of being called a witch in 17th Century Salem, Massachusetts.

3 – Count screws, rivets, or other interesting construction components in varying sections of the plane

Not exactly the most…(puts on sunglasses)… riveting.

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

4 – Mentally outline a story in your favorite genre

You’re the smartest person you know, right? And you’re super-imaginative. Hell, you could probably write the next big hit like Harry Potter, right? Well, here’s your chance. You have 60 minutes to come up with an outline for the greatest story ever. GO!

5 – Look back upon your life’s decisions to pinpoint where everything went so wrong

Wish you’d dropped out of college with your buddy, Bill Gates? Beginning to think that maybe you should have asked that girl to marry you? Wish you didn’t ask that other girl to marry you? Well, you won’t be able to fix those old problems, but now you have the time to sit and dwell on the past. God, why did you marry that horrible, horrible woman?

6 – Eavesdrop on surrounding conversations

This isn’t such a bad idea, because it puts you in the safety zone of conversations in enclosed spaces. You don’t have to worry about getting stuck in a conversation that you want to have nothing to do with and you get the benefit of having a free form of entertainment. Sure, eavesdropping is some sort of moral evil, but since when did you really have morals, anyway?

7 – Try to figure out on what day of the week your next 5 birthdays will land

I don’t know any tricks to be able to figure this out and neither should you. The only people who should be able to figure out things like this are people who have some sort of autism. Props to them for getting a really weird superpower mixed in with a few other… less super powers. Just the same, people without autism who can do this without formal knowledge of some sort of equation have ruined the opportunity for them to do some precious time-killing math, and for that, they suck even more.

8 – Rank your exes in order of height, weight, personality, degree to which they were ‘good for you,’ boob/wiener size, etc.

Yes, it’s shallow. Yes, it might evoke some sincerely negative emotions, which may cause you to spend the next hour re-visiting number 5, particularly if you have a very short list of ugly partners, but misery will make the time fly by. Before you know it, you’ll be on land and on the phone with the one that got away, or possibly her husband. Either way, you can blog about your shame for all the world to ignore.

9 – Practice your subtle annoyance skills on a nearby passenger

Pretend to be sleeping and poke your neighbor. Kick your own seat and blame the kid sitting behind you so that they get in trouble with their parents. Breathe funny on purpose. Moan or make soft humming noises. Either way, it’s more fun to be annoying than it is to be annoyed. For that reason, I suggest a first-strike policy.

10 – Try to remember a list of things to do when you’re sitting on an airplane with nothing to do

Oh, what the heck was on that list? Am I supposed to pee in my pants? Maybe I should try to squirt a little out to see if that helps pass the time… Damn it! I can’t stop the stream! Now my neighbor thinks it’s lighter fluid! SHIT!!! I’m getting tackled!

11 – Play a song in your head

Really big fan of Lady Gaga’s Poker Face? Do you think you still will be after playing through the song in your head? Heck, maybe you’ll learn to appreciate its subtle nuances even more when you realize how well you’ve come to know it. Well, if you don’t like that song, pick another. If you play an instrument, try to play the song through your mind. That’s pretty damned bad-ass. Well, unless you play the viola… unless you’re playing both primary melodic voices in Bach’s Brandenburg Concerto No. 6, which would go back to the realm of badass.

12 – Try to think of real-world solutions to real-world problems that apply either to you, your community, or the world at large

It would be so surreal if the cure for cancer came out of people being regularly forced to sit quietly for an hour. Highly unlikely, but it would be some crazy stuff. Either way, you might be able to figure out a better way to organize your sock drawer if you apply your mind.

13 – Look out the window

You’d think that this would have been pretty high on the list, but when you consider that 2/3 people on the plane don’t have a window seat, it loses to activities that apply to larger numbers of passengers. Just the same, it is only interesting for so long and if you’re a regular flier, it ends up losing its appeal. It’s still something to do, however.

14 – Talk to your neighbors

For many people, this may seem obvious. For midwesterners, it’s even considered pleasurable. For elitist coasties, it’s unbearable. The idea that you might be sitting next to some crazy old bat who wants to tell you everything about her grandkids, or worse, a Republican… {{{shudders}}}

No, I don’t think I’m going to ask my neighbor why she was reading Going Rogue before we were put on lockdown. Chances are that it’s going to end with one of us crying and the other one being carted away by the FBI for being a potential terror threat.

Of course, you shouldn’t feel too badly about your new, more terrorized flight experience. Imagine trying to do a little traveling while being of Middle Eastern descent.

Of course, when you consider that the objective of the terrorists is to terrorize our society, you have to admit that they’ve done a hell of a job. As it stands, I’m more worried about whether I’m going to pee in my pants during the last hour of my next flight than I am about someone trying to bring my plane down.

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