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RE: The Spam Folder

Oct 14th, 2009 | By | Category: Featured Article, revewz, snewz
Yes. The spam you can eat. No, dummy. E-mail spam!

Yes. The spam you can eat. No, dummy. E-mail spam!

People no longer need to be subject to the constant con-artistry that lives in their spam folders, but it is sometimes required to delve into the pile in order to retrieve a prized e-mail that may have been misdirected. Whether looking for a response from a beautiful girl, waiting for a message on an important banking matter, or any other occasion in which life itself may hinge upon a single e-mail, sometimes that crucial e-mail just doesn’t come. Or it doesn’t seem to come.

She really liked me, though. I’m sure of it… maybe it went to my spam folder. It does happen. But what else is going on in there?

Sure, it’s filled with pitches that range from such subjects as intimate sexual inefficiencies to opportunities to buy a time share at a fantastically low rates, but there must be some gems, too. I mean, the spam folder must be worthwhile. There are claims of cures by doctors, amazing financial information that is guaranteed to make you rich, and loads of women who are dying to get to know you, but they can’t talk yet because you have to be a member to communicate.

There are six general spam senders:

ME?!!!

ME?!!!

“Me” is the most popular sender of spam. No, I don’t mean me, the guy writing this article, but the name ‘me.’ This is intended to hit people who look at the sender and think, “Oh look! I sent myself an e-mail! It must be important.” Then they read the spam and they’re hooked. How can’t they be? If you can’t trust ‘me,’ who can you trust? Certainly not ‘you.’

“Random name (generally female)” authors are mostly geared toward people who know a lot of people and feel guilty about forgetting them or, more often than not, pathetic men who would give anything for a woman to talk to them. Even a fake woman is good enough for these guys, and fake women can sell anything if their fake names are attractive enough. Why else do you think I own so many timeshares?

Hi! I'm randomattractivefemale and I totally want to get to know you!

Hi! I'm randomattractivefemale and I totally want to get to know you!

“Fake company names” are all over the spam folder. If you don’t actually do or make anything, you can always mooch off of a ‘real’ business by trying to snag their clients and scam their money away. You can get spam from Bank of Amorica, Home De$pot, or even Wall-Mart. They offer free money that they’ll transfer into your private bank account, but they need your numbers in order to do it. Sometimes, they’ll ‘give’ you a 50% discount on a Wall-Mart gift card, so you can get $1000 worth of cards for $500. They’re only good at Wall-Mart stores, though. Good luck finding one.

Fact: Image stolen from my alma mater.

Fact: Image stolen from my alma mater.

“Real company names” like Taco Bell, classmates.com, or any other company might fall into your spam folder, too. These are the highest quality of spam, and the most legitimate. Generally, you fall onto a mailing list if you sign up for a legitimate promotion on one of their legitimate sites and your mail’s spam algorithm says ‘you don’t really need this.’ You can click the e-mail open, respond to an option to unsubscribe, and be done with it. If you actually like it, you can let your e-mail provider know it’s not spam by clicking ‘this is not spam‘ and you can get your daily dose of Dunkin’ Donuts deals.

If only I could unsubscribe from the Rachel Ray commercials!

If only I could unsubscribe from the Rachel Ray commercials!

“Generalized keywords” on the subject the spammer is selling is also pretty popular. This is a pretty reasonable means of spamming, as they are at least not trying to trick you. An e-mail coming from “discountautoinsurance” isn’t going to get confused for something you might want to open. Then again, if you’re actually looking for discount auto insurance, you might actually open the spam and get a deal. Of course, if you do open it, you’re more likely to be kidnapped, have your bank account emptied, and wake up in an abandoned alley wondering why your mouth tastes funny.

“Random letters and numbers” as a source for a spam mail is kind of old-school. spam made by robots, for robots. Who else is going to fall for “wr2948iJIO.R$*JH(G@randomfakeurl.com?” for some reason, however, you still see it.


Spammers also have a choice of either being deceptive, or straight to the point when it comes to their subjects.

Those who go straight to the point tend to be either the legitimate businesses or the general keywords folks. They actually want you to know what they’re talking about. If you had to have spam watch your kids, it would be this type.

The realm of deception is vast. It is the primary reason why we hate spam. It’s the reason why the country of Nigeria gets so offended when the subject of spam comes up. It’s the reason why people get worried when their elderly family members use the internet.

The most insulting form of deception, and possibly the lamest, is when a spammer begins a subject by stating “RE:

The real insult of “RE:” is that it implies that you, the recipient of the spam, actually wrote the subject in the first place.

Some examples from the first page of my own personal spam folder include:

Mr Successful – RE:Can I show you a better way to create wealth

CheapAutoInsurance – RE:You could save hundreds on car insurance

Would I be so presumptuous as to write to a guy named Mr Successful and offer him better ways to create wealth? Come on! He’s Mr Successful. If anything, I would only hope that he’d write suggestions to me, not vice versa.

Invest in railroads, you say?

Invest in railroads, you say?

Would I contact CheapAutoInsurance and tell them that they’re overpaying? NO! Why? Because I’ve never heard of them, and wouldn’t go through the trouble of offering people ideas of how they might be able to save money on car insurance. If my friends haven’t figured out how to get a good deal from commercials for Geico, Progressive, AllState, or any of the myriad other legitimate auto insurance companies, then I’m probably just friends with them to laugh at their ignorance in the first place.

Roberta Wilkes – RE:Your order success approve !

Melody Crawford – RE:You order approve. Check, please.

Bernardo Horne – RE:You order approve. Check, please.

Great. Now I seem to run some kind of business. Not only that, but I have to send out all of these orders. Worst of all, I have horrible grammar. I’m going to have to do some layoffs or something. There’s no way that this company is going to make it with this market strategy. Bill in accounting will be devastated. His wife just had twins.

Oh wait a second! I don’t own a business. This is just lame spam trickery.

jonathan – RE:yo bud

Leta Mckinney – RE:

jerry – RE:hi bud

This jonathan, Leta, and jerry sandwich might look somewhat disjointed, but the common factor is that they all contain the exact same message: Tricks for playing a roulette table. I actually had to read the entire thing in order to figure out where the scam was.

yo mate, ok I`ll give you my trick but if you give it someone else I`ll fuckin kill you 🙂
you know in roulette you can bet on blacks or reds. If you bet $1 on black and it goes black you win $1 but if it goes red you loose your $1. So I found a way you can win everytime: bet $1 on black if it goes black you win $1. now again bet $1 on black, if it goes red bet $3 on black, if it goes red again bet $8 on black, if red again bet $20 on black, red again bet $52 on black (always multiple you previous lost bet around 2.5), if now is black you win $52 so you have $104 and you bet: $1 + $3 + $8 + $20 + $52 = $84 So you just won $20 🙂 now when you won you start with $1 on blacks again etc etc. its always bound to go black
eventually (it`s 50/50) so that way you eventually always win. But there`s a catch. If you
start winning too much (like $1000 a day) casino will finally notice something and can ban
you. I was banned once on royal casino. So don`t be too greedy and don`t win more then $200
a day and you can do it for years. I think bigger casinos know that trick so I play for real
money on smaller ones, right now I play on elite vip casino: www.elite7gold.com for more
then 3 months, I win $50-$200 a day and my account still works. You`ll find roulette there when you log in go to “specialty” section – “american roulette”. And don`t you dare talling about it anyone else, if too many people knows about it casinos will finally found a way to block that trick. If you have any questions just drop me a line here or on skype.c ya

The person who compiled this spam e-mail was too lazy to actually include a hyperlink. I turned the text bold and made it red so that you can point it out, but I have not included a hyperlink either. It’s flipping spam, after all.

Also, the person seems to think that my friends are really stupid and irresponsible. This method goes by the principle that if you toss a coin and bet on it in incrementally increasing numbers, you’ll eventually win. Unfortunately, the chances of losing everything eventually increases as you win more and become more addicted to the game. Sure, there’s a 1:256 chance of losing on your eight turn, but that’s out of all 256 turns. When that happens, you’re going to lose $1351.50 and need to put in over $3000.00 to keep with the system. No matter how far you get with this system, eventually, you’ll run out of money and the casino will not.

But the guy who I apparently called "yo bud" said I couldn't lose.

But the guy who I apparently called "yo bud" said I couldn't lose.

Worst of all, the person who compiled this piece of spam seems to think that I’d send an e-mail with a subject including the word ‘bud’ without any reference to marijuana.

For those who remember e-mail in the early 90’s, the subject of spam might still have echoes of fear and frustration. The young whipper-snappers reading this might not have even noticed that there is something called a spam folder in their e-mail account. For everyone, though, I assure you that the spam folder is just as full of shit as it ever has been.

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