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Jacques Chirac sends his dog to ‘the farm’

Oct 2nd, 2009 | By | Category: snewz
Pictured: Sumo (left) sparring with an unknown partner in this stock photo from 2006

Pictured: Sumo (left) sparring with an unknown partner in this stock photo from 2006

In case you hadn’t heard, Jacques Chirac sent Sumo, his Maltese terrier, to the ‘the farm’ today after a series of domestic disturbances, drug abuse, and other signs pointed to Sumo’s life spiraling out of control.

It wasn’t always as bad as this. Back when Sumo joined the Chirac family, he lived the high life at the Élysée Palace, running free on the grounds, having an entourage of security, and his choice of any piece of tail Paris had to offer. That all ended one fateful day in May of 2007, when President Jacques Chirac became former President Jacques Chirac.

Sumo was then forced out of the Élysée Palace, and brought to a modest 2000-square-foot apartment, where he no longer had access to the sprawling palatial greens, though he did have easy access to the Louvre.

Instead of enjoying his golden years studying one of the finest collections of artwork on the world, however, Sumo fell into a deep depression. “He just never came to terms with leaving the Élysée,” Mrs Chirac told Le Parisien newspaper. “He was just little, he was a newborn and after some time, he started getting depressed in that apartment,” she said.

Although the official age of Sumo is unknown at printing, the earliest report of his existence our researchers could dig up came from 2003, which made him at least 28 in dog years at the time Chirac left office, therefore hardly a newborn.

The trouble first got public attention in January of 2009, when Sumo bit an undisclosed body part of Chirac (probably his wiener). After this attack, Sumo was put on antidepressants, which opened a door to a number of other forms of chemical stimulants and began his addiction problems.

Earlier today, the story broke that Sumo had bitten Mr. Chirac for the last time. Chirac has declared that he sent the little guy to a farm in the Seine-et-Marne region outside parents, but I think we all know what really happened.

RIP, Sumo. We hardly knew ye.

RIP, Sumo. We hardly knew ye.

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