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Cellphones in the Bathroom: Yay or Nastay?

Oct 23rd, 2009 | By | Category: Featured Article, snewz
She's a secret dumper.
She’s a secret dumper.

I was recently in the bathroom at my job and noticed a poster on the wall giving advice to people who use their cellphones while on the toilet. The poster, which was produced and advertised by a specific cell phone company (*cough* sprint *cough*), gave such advice as hitting the mute button when flushing, and offered suggestions for explaining the “strange background noise.” Ever since seeing this poster, I have been putting a great deal of thought on the issue. I feel that it is my civic duty to tell the world why I think the practice should be ceased.

I don’t particularly care about the fact that people consider it to be rude. I am not the manners police and if people want to be rude in public, fine. I do feel that it is annoying to be forced to listen to some self-centered jerk babbling on about their great sales numbers, but it is just as much of an annoyance when I am sitting on a bus and someone is sitting next to me yammering on their cell. The problem with this practice is disease.

This is the 21st Century! People should have a rudimentary understanding of how disease is spread. There is a reason why employees are required to wash their hands after using the toilet. If disease can spread on a person’s hands, then surely it could also spread by using that thing you hold centimeters from your mouth for hours at a time. Now think about how your girlfriend does the same thing… and your mother… and your creepy uncle Bob. Now think about who gets kissed during holiday get togethers. Swine flu!

There are two specific groups of people who simultaneously use their cellphone and their toilet:

The Secret Dumper

Some people take the subject of manners rather seriously. They don’t dare tell the person to who they are speaking that they are in the bathroom, and would deny it to the death. These are the secret dumpers. I imagine that they are the target audience for the cell phone tips and tricks poster that I came across. In some board room, a group of people sat brainstorming ways to keep the sounds of bowel movements as silent and secret as possible. My greatest regret is that I shall never know the list of ideas that didn’t make the cut.

The world may never know

The world may never know

The Proud Shittist

The polar opposite of the secret dumper, the proud shittist announces to the world there location. I was in an airport bathroom recently and the overheard conversation went like this:

“Hey how’s it going?
I’m in the bathroom at the airport. Where the F#*$( do you think I am?
Yeah, my flight is in an hour.
Yeah, I’ve got diarrhea.”

The proud shittist knows no bounds. These are the people that give phone use in the bathroom a bad name. They generally talk louder, give play-by-play commentary of their current actions, and are quite often socially abrasive. I both admire their openness and despise their nasty habit.

Note: The mouthpiece is dangerously close to the anus.
Note: The mouthpiece is dangerously close to the anus.

Stunning conclusion:

Most people have 2-year contracts on their cell phones. People don’t clean their cell phones because they are made of tiny electrical components that can be damaged by the application of water.

People who talk on their cell phones while in the bathroom will wipe their ass and then touch the mouthpiece of their phones. Afterward, they will go to the sink and wash their hands, but by then the phone has a new microscopic layer of feces piled onto it, and stuck into the nooks and crannies. A cell phone crapper collects a whole lot of feces on their phone over a period of 2 years.

All sorts of diseases spread through feces, which is why people wash their hands after going to the bathroom. I’ve seen people walk into a bathroom on their cellphone, drop their deposit, wash their hands, then “kiss” their significant other through the mouthpiece. I bet they can’t wait to go home and plant a nice, wet, fecal bacteria-infested kiss on their boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, or my personal favorite: children.

Don't take your cellphone in the bathroom.
Don’t get feces on your cellphone.
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  2. I actually take pictures of people’s feet under the stalls. I find it to be quite entertaining and all of my friends know. I send them texts with their feet in them. It is also fun at concerts. People generally have fantastic looking feet when going to a concert. I love feet. Yes, I am an odd one.

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