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Adventures in Laziness – Dirty Dishes

Oct 20th, 2009 | By | Category: snewz

Corelle Livingware 16-Piece Dinnerware Set, Service for 4, Winter FrostWhen it comes to committing yourself to a simple maintenance act in order to improve your home’s hygiene level, dealing with plates, cups, knives, forks, and sporks after you’ve eaten is not an overly difficult task, particularly when you consider the overall health benefits to maintaining a clean home. Who wants to get some sort of crazy disease from a mold spore in their kitchen sink? I know these things seem to be really curable on House, but they’re not usually so pleasant.

But what is the cure? How can I save myself?

All you have to do is take your dishes to the sink, wash them, dry them (or let them dry au natural on a rack), and put them away. A great number of people even have machines which will actually clean their dishes for them. These magic machines, called dishwashers, will actually go through the trouble of washing *and* drying your dishes for you. They cut most of the work out. You just have to scrape off any leftover food to put it in the garbage, put the dishes in the dishwasher, add soap, and push a button. The whole process for a meal should take no more than 10 minutes, dishwasher or no.

But what ends up happening?


Look at that sink! It's useless!

Look at that sink! It's useless!

That’s right. You skip a night. Then you skip another. You toss your breakfast bowl in the bottom of the sink and fill it with water. Maybe it’ll clean itself by the time you get home. As time goes by, your pile grows and grows. And then it smells. Soon, you don’t want to clean the dishes because they make you sick. You are both ashamed of your own personal lack of cleanliness, and angry at the person you were last week, when you didn’t think leaving half a cup of cottage cheese in the sink was that big of a deal.

It’s even worse when you have a lot of people living in your house. Sure, it might seem like a good idea to have kids to do your bidding. At first, you’ll have to clean up their poop and deal with their crap, but eventually those little bums will be old enough to work for you. Unfortunately, your kids share the same dish-leaving genes that you have. Now you have a bigger problem; a house full of dish-leaving jerks.

Sometimes you can coerce neighborhood kids to wash dishes for you, but you have to threaten to hurt their mommy and daddy.

Don't be fooled by this image. Having your kids work for you is a fantasy.

So the years go by and suddenly your spawn is in junior high, texting their friends, and googling their facebooks. Those ungrateful brats aren’t cleaning their dishes and coming up with better excuses than you can, with lines like, “I have to do homework!” and, “I’ll call child services and tell them that you don’t keep a safe environment for my well-being!”

Work, school, sports, and visits to little Cindy in juvie (where did we go wrong?) take up all of your potential dish-washing time and before you know it, it’s Christmas, you have to do a ton of cooking for everyone you know, who are all coming to your house, and you’re spending a full day slaving through the pile of dirty dishes that you’ve let add up since Thanksgiving.

Next year, I swear, I'm going to make the kids do it.

Next year, I swear, I'm going to make the kids do it.

Of course, there is one member of the household who would be more than happy to clean your dishes…

Good boy

Good boy

If you enjoyed this installment of Adventures in Laziness, check out I Eat My Ice Cream with a Fork, the original Adventure in Laziness, or I Still Wear Crocs, the second in the series.

If you’re looking for something a little more popular mainstream, check out Failblog’s Occasional Misrepresentation of Failure, a snewzbutton article featured on collegehumor.com

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