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The Rootin’est, Tootin’est, Right-Wingin’est Response to Obama’s Speech to a Joint Session of Congress on Health Care.

Sep 10th, 2009 | By | Category: revewz, snewz

I’m going to test my understanding of what American conservatism has turned into by responding to Barack Obama’s speech in the method that seems most contrarian. I hope that my new approach to American right-wingery begins a new phase for the glorious GOP.

Summarized points by Stalin Hitler Obama are made in bold.
I have provided a seriously reduced tran of the Obama speech for those who don’t have the desire to read the entire 5500 word speech posted on

The health care system is 1/6th of the economy, so we should not toss it and start from scratch and offer a revolutionary US system, but instead improve upon the existing structure.


Right off the bat, this is the same “too big to fail” rhetoric that we’ve been hearing while the economy has crumbled. Clearly the best thing to do is to scrap our entire system and start with something new.

To hell with Obama’s plan to keep the structure the same. A good proposal to take care of this issue would be to dismantle all of the health insurance companies, taking the pools of money that have collected to pay for health care and using it in a single system that solely exists to pay for health care.

Three Basic Goals:

1 – Provide more security and stability to those who have health insurance

People with plans can keep their plans. Insurance companies can’t discriminate for preexisting conditions. Insurance companies can’t drop your coverage when you have a serious illness

2 – Provide insurance for those who don’t have it

Coverage should be available for people who lose their jobs or move. Open a new public insurance exchange for individuals who don’t have access to employee plans. Holding health insurance will be mandatory, but paid for by tax credits for those who can’t afford it. For those without the ability to get coverage for preexisting conditions, low cost coverage will be provided by the government

3 – Slow the growth of health care costs

The public option will force companies to compete with the reduced rates that this system will be able to offer. Nobody will be forced to choose the public option

Obama's new health care plan's national symbol

Obama's new health care plan's national symbol

Not so fast, Barack HUSSEIN Obama. You’re not going to trick us with these little bullet points. We want a mandatory public option for all American citizens that pays for medical, dental, psychological, and pre services, provided they are not cosmetic or elective. If you think the insurance companies can be good, then we know that they’re bad and need to be destroyed.

Health coverage will not be provided to illegal immigrants. (YOU LIE!!!) BOOOOO!!!

Obama doesn't want to help these poor sick immigrants.

Obama doesn't want to help these poor sick immigrants.

Thanks to the quick thinking of Joe “Yo Mama” Wilson, we conservatives clearly understand that the important moral action would be that medical services should be paid for all human beings who enter the door of a hospital. The system that we conservatives are going to promote will be large enough to support the additional people because we’re going to eliminate all of those health insurance administration fatcats that you want so badly to keep wealthy. Between them, marketing, and other costs for keeping the health insurance industry, we’ll be able to knock 40% off of the price of the health care industry.

Nobody gets their abortions paid for with federal money.

So the federal government is going to discriminate against people based on their faith and beliefs? Not on my watch! Abortions for all!

Insurance companies will not be put out of business, but they will be held accountable.

I’ve already got you beaten, Barack “Satan” Obama. I won’t let you have your sinful insurance companies any more. Those days are over!

The seniors

Medicare coverage will not be effected
The pre drug gap will be reduced or eliminated

Tough luck, seniors. I’m kicking Medicare out the door. You’re not going to get to enjoy your socialist system any more. You guys are going to have to join the Universal Freedom Coverage that the rest of the country has. You’re not special. You don’t get any more bills, either!

Medical malpractice laws need to be reformed. Individual states will be subject to changes in order to test a better method of reducing medical malpractice suits and making them less of a burden on the health care industry.

NO!!!! No more of this business of America’s doctors also having to be America’s primary health care business administrators. No more of them having to figure out the American legal system. They are doctors and not lawyers. All US doctor practices and hospitals should be federalized. Malpractice suits can be dealt with by an independent group of government lawyers so the doctors can deal with the patients. Bad doctors should still face losing their licenses, but they aren’t going to have to deal with your fascist system of medical malpractice insurance. The insurance will be the US government.

This will cost $900 billion over 10 years, but may save over $4 trillion in the long run.

Pft. Amateur. My system would save eleventy quadrillion dollars because my fiscal conservatism kicks your communist liberalism in the balls!

Thank You, God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America.

Don’t you go throwing your secret Muslim God in my face. God and religion has no place in government, so we, the conservatives, want that word and all other religious references taken out of our country’s government.

Stop crushing our country!

Stop crushing our country!

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