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Khloe Kardashian marries entire LA Lakers team.

Sep 26th, 2009 | By | Category: snewz
Who?

Who?

It seems as though there has been a lot of courting going on in Los Angeles this week, as Los Angeles Lakers publicist, John Black, announces that Khloe Kardashian, a celebrity most well known for being famous, will not only be marrying Lamar Odom on Sunday, September 27, but will in fact be marrying the entire LA Lakers team.

Kardashian twittered, “Surpriiiise! I guess the news is out. I’m a pioneer for all you dolls out there.”

Khloe is not quite a pioneer in this form of marriage, though, nor is this the most well known case. The mid-20th century was filled with cases of corporate marriage between movie studios and actors, consuming such famous names as Clark Gable, Greta Garbo, and Katharine Hepburn.

In more recent history, I’m sure we all remember Dick Cheney’s famous polygamous marriage to his wife, Lynn, and his corporation, Blackwater. After the end of the vice president’s second term Lynn stayed with him, but Blackwater was quick to get divorced and change its name to Xe (pronounced zee) Services LLC.

Poor Xe’s desire to move on from that bad relationship has actually led it to trying to disassociate its current name from its former. For example, googling Xe Services LLC only yields the word ‘Blackwater’ once in the entire first page of results as of this printing. Searching Wikipedia for Xe Services LLC doesn’t directly take you to a wiki entry, but instead to a search results page, which also only offers one listing in ten that yields Blackwater.

We know what you did!

We know what you did!

Although Miss Kardashian’s marriage may not be the most conventional, there is a great deal of historical precedence. It is unusual, however, in that Khloe has a very impressive rotation to choose from. Hell, the starting line-up is more man than most women can handle.

The best part is that they get traded every few years!

The best part is that they get traded every few years!

In a brief interview with Lamar Odom, I had the opportunity to ask him how he felt about the change in nuptials, as well as the fact that he has actually slipped down to 8th in the rotation. His reply:

No fucking comment, God damn it!

No fucking comment, God damn it!

Mr. Odom is not the only one who is upset over this arrangement. The Association of NBA Players’ Wives is in an uproar over having this bundle of joy entering their families. They posted on their official website a statement of disapproval and a declaration of unanimous divorce. It is believed that they hope to get more money by leaving their respective marriages before Sunday’s vows, but none of those pampered bitches could be reached for comment.

The California gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered communities are in an uproar over this wedding, as well, citing it as far less socially acceptable than same-sex marriages. There are already facebook groups organizing protest events outside the Bel Air estate of Irving Azoff, where the wedding is to take place. Counter-protests by groups of people opposed to same-sex marriages are also likely to be in attendance as well, though it is unknown how they plan to spin their warped definition of freedom to fit this.

Full documentation of the agreement will be sealed, but it is unclear how extensive the marriage is. Are just the players getting married, or do the coaches and trainers get a piece of the action, too? What about season ticket holders?

One thing is for sure, I’m looking forward to fan appreciation day next season.

I'm sure it just says "Meet players in the Locker Room."

I'm sure it just says "Meet players in the Locker Room."

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  1. So that’s what low self-esteem does to a girl…

  2. In my research, I had to go to Khloe’s twitter page to see how she spoke. Although she has a marked propensity toward elongating her vowels and uses the word ‘doll’ far too much, she doesn’t come across as… obnoxiously as I had anticipated. I almost felt bad writing this one, being that it’s the girl’s wedding day tomorrow and all.

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