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Millions of Americans suffocate as President Obama endorses the act of breathing.

Sep 8th, 2009 | By | Category: snewz

Tragedy struck today across the United States as millions of Americans died from suffocation as a result of Barack Obama’s speech last night about the importance of breathing.

The trouble began weeks ago as conservative journalists and bloggers began to notice President Obama’s frequent inhalations and exhalations. Their online and television reporting led to a grassroots movement across the nation, in which self-proclaimed American patriots began holding what they termed vacuum parties. At these vacuum parties, a group called “Concerned Citizens for Freedom from Air” (CCFA) provided makeshift vacuum chambers for members to demonstrate their freedom from what they refer to as Socialist Air.

September 6, 2009 vacuum party protesters in Atlanta, Georgia

September 6, 2009 vacuum party protesters in Atlanta, Georgia

“You think the American people are free from tyranny? Just look at video footage of the worst dictators in history,” said Philip J. Ruthmore, Chairman of the Chattanooga chapter of Citizens Revolting Against the President (CRAP), a group containing the founders of the CCFA. “Stalin, Castro, Hitler, even Osama bin Laden have all been recorded in the secret-Muslim act of Socialist Air processing. We can no longer stand for this practice amongst the good Christian-American citizenry.”

Though the death toll has not yet been solidified, it is believed to be in the tens of millions. All across the US, conservatives have not shown up to work or school. The only silver lining in this tragedy is that a million jobs have been created in the biological waste management industry.

It is believed that the entire Republican Party may have succumbed, as not a single Republican has shown up to an emergency session of Congress. Senator Joe Lieberman is also mysteriously missing.


The Obama Administration has declared a national emergency, and has canceled the President’s speech on proper consumption of fluids after a protester was seen holding a sign declaring, “The time has come to dehydrate the Tree of Liberty.”

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  1. laughing so hard, I can’t breathe, wheeeze

  2. Bwahahaha!! Ain’t it the truth!

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