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AARP lobbies Congress for Jaylight Savings Time

Sep 14th, 2009 | By | Category: snewz
Artist's rendition of what old people using technology might look like

Artist's rendition of what old people using technology might look like

An unexpected side effect of Jay Leno’s new show, The Jay Leno Show, has hit the American people. All across the United States, the American elderly have changed their clocks to keep Jay Leno’s television show on at 11:30. Now they demand that the rest of the country follow suit and alter the system of time-keeping by moving the clocks ahead an hour and a half.

A grassroots campaign began this morning at 4:00 AM EST (5:30 AM JEST) at nursing homes and senior communities across the eastern United States as senior citizens awoke en masse, 90 minutes earlier than their usual.

“Last night I went to sleep after Leno, just like I always do. I don’t like to stay awake when that ginger fella comes on,” explained Veronica Bainridge, founder of the South Carolina chapter of Seniors United for Chronological Stability (SUCS). “He’s not right in the head.”

Ms. Bainridge took to the online communities, along with millions of other seniors in the US, with one goal: to alter time itself.

By 5:30 AM EST (7:00 AM JEST), a massive online campaign had already taken hold.

Mark McKutcheon, of Oneonta, NY, turned to the internet at the wee hours of the morning, too. “My grandson is always talking about his myface and spacebook on the computer. He says that everyone is on there, so I decided to see if I could find other mature individuals, such as myself, who discovered the time shift. When I got there, I saw a lot of groups to join, so I called my friends at the VA and we decided to organize all of the chapters. From there, the AARP was the logical next step.”

By the time Congressmen came in to their offices, the voicemail accounts were full and staffers were inundated with hundreds of thousands of e-mails. Lobbyists from the AARP, the American Diabetes Association, and dozens of other senior groups filled the appointment schedules.

One House Representative, requesting anonymity, remarked, “I knew something was up on the drive in today. There were commercials with the crazy old people ranting about how time was wrong. I just kept yelling at the radio ‘YOU LIE!!!’” The anonymous House Representative continued, stating, “I just hope this doesn’t impact all of the press I’ve been getting about my remark last week. My completely spontaneous pronouncement to the President during his speech sure was a gold mine.”

There has not yet been an official statement made on this issue by the White House, but Secretary of Energy Steven Chu has scheduled a speech at 1:30 JEST about the “green” benefits of going to bed early. This speech is seen by people on The Hill as President Obama putting out feelers for how the American people would react to the implementation of Jaylight Savings Time.

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