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Why the Obama Stimulus package bothers middle-aged white males.

Feb 2nd, 2009 | By | Category: snewz

I was recently reading in a forum about the Obama stimulus package, and saw someone’s argument against the bill. The comment was simply “wow this is pure pork read the bill folks” followed by a list of dollar amounts and what they’re being spent on. I felt it was appropriate to improve the comment by including an explanation of why middle-aged white males, like the one who made the comment, are pissed off about money being spent on anything.

• $83 billion in welfare payments – That is a huge sum of money. That money shouldn’t be spent on the 5 million bums who don’t have jobs. They should give that money to people like me, so I can go out and buy some high quality American goods like iPods, SUVs, and TVs. That’s why I pay taxes, damn it! So I can get the money back and spend it the way I want. To Hell with this socialist crap!

• $81 billion for Medicaid – Hell, I’m healthy and have a good job with great insurance. As long as I don’t get laid off like most of my colleagues, this isn’t necessary for me personally, so to hell with “my fellow Americans.”

• $66 billion on “education”, more than the entire Department of Education required just ten years ago – “Education?” Who needs that? Clearly not future generations.

• $36 billion for expanded unemployment benefits – Clearly the unemployment rate of 7.2% means that people are just lazy. The fact that jobs get snatched up the minute they become available has nothing to do with it.

• $20 billion for food stamps – We should be spending this money on a new project I call “Soylent Green.”

• $8 billion on “renewable energy” projects, which have a low or negative return – To hell with all of that green energy bull. If we’re going to destroy the economy for generations to come, we may as well destroy the habitability of Earth as well.

• $7 billion for “modernizing federal buildings and facilities” – Constructions jobs? PORK! Improved federal buildings and facilities? Why that may actually allow our government to function better. What will we have to bitch about then?

• $6 billion on urban transit systems, dominated by unions and which, almost universally, lose money – Urban transit? You mean the systems by which people get around in cities? To hell with that. I don’t ride the bus, and people that do are smelly. We should close down all of these systems so that they can’t go to work. That way jobs will open up for people like me who have cars.

• $2.4 billion for “carbon-capture demonstration projects” – OK, I’m going to be honest. I have no idea what this means and I’m not going to bother looking it up. Since I have found ways to disagree with everything else on this list, I’m sure that this is bullshit, too.

• $2 billion for child-care subsidies – If we don’t pay for child-care, then we open up all of the jobs that women have. Why not take away women’s right to work and open up even more jobs for men?

• $1 billion for Amtrak, the federal railroad that’s run in the red for 40 years – Clearly we should completely abandon the rail infrastructure. It’s not like people actually ride trains anymore. This money should be spent on further development of my flying car, damn it!

• $650 million for “digital TV conversion coupons” (on top of billions already spent) – $2 per American? That’s highway robbery! If people want to be able to watch television, they should have to buy a new 50″ plasma. If your home’s technology isn’t up to snuff, then you should go the way of the dinosaur. It’s social Darwinism, baby!

• $600 million on new cars for government (added to the $3 billion already spent each year) – What does the government need with cars? I thought the government was in buildings. This is complete waste! They’ll probably want money for gas to put in those cars next.

• $400 million for “global-warming research” – BAH! It’s like 20 degrees outside right now. Clearly global warming is a myth!

• $50 million for the National Endowment for the Arts” – I don’t have a taste for anything that would be considered culturally enriching, and I don’t think that anyone else should be able to, either. When I think that the government wants to tax me $0.17 for artists it makes me sick. Artists should get real jobs.

If you finished reading this list and find yourself agreeing with the opinions expressed, congratulations. You are an ass.

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