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How can you tell that your local newscaster is full of shit?

Jan 28th, 2009 | By | Category: revewz, snewz, videos

For a little while now, I’ve been watching a series on youtube called “Test it Tuesday” where a local Pittsburgh news channel tests out some of those As Seen on TV style products. I came across this little gem from April 1, 2008 and felt it was worth talking about:

In this video, the newscaster is testing a product called “Debbie Meyer Green Bags.” The product claims to be able to keep fruits and vegetables fresh for 3 weeks, so they put the claim to the test with bananas, a cucumber, lettuce, and tomatoes. The newscaster sums up the product by giving it 3/4 stars since “three out of four foods worked with their test.”

I don’t know about you, but what I saw was rather different than what I was told by the reporter. My perspective went something like this:

Bananas – If I pulled 3 week old bananas out of my refrigerator and they were absolutely black, I would not cut the skin off of the fruit and eat it. I would hold back my vomit as I tried to get those nasty, turd-looking things into the nearest garbage can.

0 points

Cucumber – Pulling a slimy, pickled cucumber out of a plastic bag after 3 weeks would yield similar results from the banana. When she cut the cucumber open and said “I wouldn’t serve that,” I was glad to hear that the woman realized that this little experiment wasn’t going so well.

0 points

Tomato – I found it a bit tough to tell whether the tomato was quite as nasty as the cucumber, so it is at this point that we are supposed to use the judgment of the newscaster. Fortunately, by this point we have also seen that the newscaster has absolutely horrible judgment, because he stuck the rotting innards of that turd-banana into his mouth. I feel that the tomato shall remain in limbo, much like Schroedinger’s cat.

.5 points

Lettuce – I can’t imagine that the lettuce had any degree of crispness left to it, but it didn’t look bad. I can imagine that I may have eaten soft lettuce at some point in my life, and it hadn’t killed me.

1 point

In my opinion, this reporter should have given the product either one or two stars, but even two would be too much. Personally, I’d say this test seems to have yielded a strong 1.5.

Of course, there are two more important issues than simply reviewing the product. Understanding the functionality of the product, and the motivation for a person to use this product help to determine its true value to the world.

The function is rather simple. Ethylene is a hormone in plants that causes them to ripen. These plastic bags contain zeolite, a mineral that absorbs ethylene, and reduce the ripening factor of the fruit. Unfortunately, plastic bags also retain moisture, which permeates through the various structures of the dying plant, softening the lettuce, and breaking down the cell structure of the cucumber, causing it to lose its white color. These bags also don’t fight the biggest problem in fruit, being mold. Any mold spores that may have found their way into the bag at the beginning of the 3 week period would really thrive in the moist environment of a plastic bag.

This product seems to be for people who aren’t able to get themselves to a store 1 or 2 days a week. There are a large number of people in the world who fit this category, but they would do well to use this product for much less time than is claimed.

The best method of dealing with fruit is to simply go to your grocery store 1 or 2 days a week for fresh vegetables, keeping them at a temperature of about 40 degrees or so.

My final verdict on the item is that it really deserves 2 stars, but considering that we were working on a 4 point scale before adding this extra section, I’ll give it a 2/5 with further consideration. It’s not an evil product that does nothing but harm the world. It serves a purpose, and for its market, can really help. It’s just not that great.

The product – 2 out of 5

But what about my newscaster? Isn’t that what this is all about?

If your local newscaster can tell you that this product is 75% awesome with a shit-eating grin on his face, but upon closer inspection you come to realize that the product is actually more like 40% awesome, then you can be fairly sure that your newscaster is full of shit.

The newscaster – 4 shits out of 5

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  1. Where is the control lettuce, tomato, bananas and cuke? This dude actually used to be the Sportscaster on this news channel, strange he has such a hard time keeping score.

  2. Я бы еще кое-чего добавил конечно, но по сути сказано практически все.

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